Things are not improving as fast as I wish they did. One day I feel much better, so much that I will even dare smile once or twice; the following day I feel like crap, I don’t have any motivation whatsoever, and I have to kick myself in the butt to get out of bed.

Emotionally, things are better. Old memories don’t make me cry the way they did. But when I have them early in the morning, or at bed time, I feel huge waves of sadness.

My mind keeps jumping all over the place and I can’t focus on anything for more than a few minutes. It is very unnerving, as I cannot hold a long conversation without struggling, or even read a complete newspaper article. Books are out of the question: I can’t focus long enough. I just read a few lines, skip a few pages, and read a few more lines - but I don’t understand what I read.

The anxiety attacks are less dramatic than they used to be. It is more like they are happening in the background now. As a result, I don’t immediately realise I am anxious, I don’t breathe properly, I am tense. All this tension causes physical pain. For instance I have had intense chest pain the past few days. The pain can last more than an hour, and it is so sharp I cannot think of anything. All I can do is sit, breathe deeply and wait for it to pass.

I haven’t had good sleep in weeks. If go to bed around 23:00, I wake up at 01:30 and stay awake until 03:00. Then I wake up again at 05:00 until 06:00, when the alarm clock goes off. This is what a typical night looks like.

I take naps to try and make up for the lost hours of sleep, but I end up being even more tired. My biological clock is all messed up; I am disoriented and confused. I am not hungry and skip meals.

This time off work is supposed to allow me to take some rest and recover, but instead it is a never ending struggle that consumes all my energy. I end up being completely exhausted.

I need to sleep full nights. I want to fight more than ever, but I need all my strength to succeed.

I want out of all this. I want it now. It is not happening fast enough.

I am frustrated.