We moved many times when I was a child, and I have been trying to remember all these places. The strange thing is that even though I can visualise the rooms, the general layout as well as various other details, I can’t see any bed. None whatsoever. And when I see a place with several rooms, I don’t know which one was the one in which I slept.
I am not entirely sure what to think of that; what is my mind trying to do in hiding all the beds?
My interpretation is that a bed is a warm, personal space where I could take refuge if I needed to be by myself. I can imagine that it is where I would hide, curl up under the blankets, and cry.
I also don’t remember having a stuffed animal either. I am pretty sure I did not have one. This is probably something that could have helped me find comfort.
Digging into my childhood is a very emotional journey, and it makes me cry like I never have before. It is like all the tears I have held back for so many years have decided to come out now. I talk to Noey and I describe what I am reliving and how I feel: I become this little boy again, and I feel all his emotions; I feel so sad. I tell her how these places I see feel cold and don’t have a spot in which I can hide and find warmth. How as a kid I missed having a stuffed friend I could hold tight when crying.
So last week Noey, being the awesome person she is, went out and got me a bear. It may sound stupid, but it made me so happy. I became a little boy again, and I started crying. But my tears were happy tears; as far as I can remember I have never had tears of joy before.
I don’t want to sound too ridiculous, but I do sleep with my teddy bear now. It makes things easier when I relive scenes from the past, because now I have the bear to hold onto, and it gives me comfort. In some way, it softens my bad memories. It makes them bear-able.
I had to find my bear a name, and the first name that came to my mind is Colargol. Colargol is an animated series I remember watching when I was in kindergarten. I remember that one rainy day, we could not go play outside for recess. The teachers took out the movie projector in the common room and showed us an episode of Colargol, where Colargol was a singer in a circus.
Here is the very episode I remember watching on that rainy day:
4 reactions
1 From Mimi du Canada - 16/02/2012, 19:04
Je te comprends pour l’ours, moi c’êtait un oreiller ou un coussin.
2 From Minh Quang - 16/02/2012, 19:13
Le problème est que je ne vois pas de lit dans mes souvenirs, donc pas d’oreiller ni literie non plus. Mais je ne pense pas avoir jamais tenu un oreiller dans mes bras comme source de réconfort.
L’ourson en peluche me paraît naturel, et celui que Noey m’a offert est super doux en plus. Je l’adore
3 From mimi du Canada - 23/02/2012, 17:27
Je me suis mal exprimée, je parlais de l’oreiller quand ça allait pas durant ma dépression dans le sens où je comprends ton besoin d’avoir quelque chose à serrer contre toi.
4 From Olivier (ex de Montréal) - 23/02/2012, 18:29
Colargol, l’ours qui chante en fa, en sol, en do dièse, en mi bémol… Que de souvenirs.
Bon courage pour remonter la pente. Je sais, parce que j’ai eu la place de Noey pendant de longs mois, que ce n’est pas facile. C’est bien d’écrire, ça fait du bien.
Prends soin de toi.