Thursday April 26, 2012

It's over! (for now)

After two weeks of driving around Stratford, Elmira and Waterloo, Manola is finally done with her piano competitions. Yay! There were ups and downs, especially in Elmira where things started on the wrong foot and went from bad to worse. The good thing is that Elmira is not an important festival[1], and we had her stop playing there, mostly for damage control.

Then started Stratford, which is a major festival that does not focus mainly on music, but also on acting, singing… performing arts in general. We worked hard to help Manola regain confidence in herself, and it seemed to work, because she shone and impressed there. Then she continued on to Kitchener-Waterloo where she performed very well too.

This will have been an interesting exprience and an important lesson: we’re going to take things slower next year. We’ll have her compete in less classes, and less festivals, because it was on the verge of being totally unmanageable. And it was also nerve-wrecking for Manola, whom we must remember will soon be entering the age of adolescence…

Anyway, we’re done with it until next year, and it is a relief. We are very proud of Manola, but as Asian parents we must not show too much enthusiasm. So here is how the typical Asian father shows apprecication for the excellent results of his daughter:

High Expectations Asian Father - Mozart KV332

Note

[1] Festival is a euphemism for competition in the music world.

Monday April 23, 2012

A voté

Samedi c’était le premier tour des élections présidentielles françaises. Les Français des Amériques votent un jour avant l’hexagone pour éviter ce qui s’était passé les fois précédentes, où l’on votait encore ici alors que les premiers résultats avaient déjà été diffusés en métropole…

Nous avons failli ne pas y aller car Manola avait été sélectionnée pour les finales de sa compétition de piano à Stratford, qui est à 45 minutes dans la direction opposée de Toronto. Mais comme ça c’est terminé un peu plus tôt que prévu (avec deux victoires de Manola, youpi!), nous nous sommes dit que nous avions une chance d’arriver au consulat général de France avant 20h00, heure de fermeture des bureaux de vote.

Nous sommes arrivés sur place à 19h15, nous sommes sortis à 19h20. Tout ça pour ça.

En fait, il n’y a que moi qui ai voté. Noey a décidé de ne pas voter, car elle estime que ne vivant plus en France, elle n’a pas à décider de ce qui s’y passe. C’est un point de vue que je comprends. Le mien est cependant différent, et j’estime qu’en tant que citoyen français, j’ai le devoir d’exprimer mon vote.

Il est vrai que c’est un peu délicat : nous sommes citoyens de deux pays. Si avoir plusieurs nationalités présente des avantages, cela s’accompagne aussi de devoirs, contraintes, et dans certain cas, dilemmes. En effet, que se passe-t-il lorsque deux pays sont en guerre et que l’on est citoyen des deux ? On se retrouve alors malgré soi embarqué dans un conflit, même si l’on ne le veut pas, et il se peut que l’on ait à faire des choix difficiles… Heureusement dans notre cas je pense que les probablilités de conflit ouvert sont très faibles.

Nous vivons au Canada, et chaque jour qui passe, nous nous ancrons davantage dans notre univers. Alors, sommes-nous Canadiens ? Français ? Et quid de notre héritage laotien ? Vietnamien ? Il n’y a pas de réponse tranchée, nous sommes un peu tout ça et régulièrement il faut nous remettre en question et nous interroger sur notre identité.

Sommes nous toujours Français ? Je pense que oui. Mais je sais aussi qu’aux yeux de certains (appuyés par près de 20% des votes), nous ne l’avons jamais été. Et cette question sur les « bi-nationaux », ces salauds partis à l’étranger pour éviter le fisc (mouahaha, faites moi bien rire) ? C’est vrai que la normalisation du racisme en France (le FN est maintenant un des grands partis, ces questions sur ces scélérats d’expatriés, ajoutés au fait que nous avons un faciès qui peut sembler suspect, nous interpellent quelque part.

Nous voyons la France de loin, et ce que nous voyons ne nous plaît pas trop. Je suis Canadien, mais je suis aussi très Français. Je suis surtout Français en fait, et je le serai toujours. Mais je me sens de plus en plus distant vis-à-vis de la France.

Est-ce que ça a du sens ce que je raconte ?

Saturday April 14, 2012

Of legal substances

I did not have a good week.

Wednesday morning, I was feeling crummy when going into work. As noon approached I could feel that I was increasingly tense and nervous. By 11:30 I was shaking and could not think clearly anymore. I felt anxious, almost panicky, and decided to head back home and rest. I would have been completely useless at work anyway.

I tried to find what could have triggered this attack, but the only thing I can think of is that I had a coffee not too long before it occurred. If not the cause, this can very well have been a contributing factor.

I have thus decided to cut down on my coffee intake, reducing it to my morning espresso (I need this one to start my day). It could be that the medicine is changing the way my body reacts to caffeine, as it has with alcohol. In the case of alcohol, I have noticed that after a single glass of wine I already feel dizzy. As a result, I don’t drink alcohol anymore at home, and when in a social setting I restrict myself to one glass of wine.

In order to get through my day, I have replaced coffee with tea, which contains much less caffeine per cup, while still providing me with the comforting feeling of having a hot drink. Cocoa may also be an option, but it’s usually so sweet that it is borderline gross.

So here I am, making yet another change to my lifestyle, all because of this stupid major depression I am still adjusting to; all because of things that happened long ago but I can’t seem to forget.

Sigh!

Monday April 9, 2012

What a difference...

… 5 milligrammes make!

I have increased my morning dose of SSRI by 50% (the physician told me to do so if I felt I needed to), and it made a huge difference.

I had not felt quite right since I had gone back to work, and my energy level was close to zero.

It may not have shown, but today was a good day and I was able to remain focused, which is no small feat. I feel like I am coming back to life.

Let’s hope that I have finally found the right combination. Now that I have accepted the fact that for the foreseeable future I will be needing the medication, it is a matter of finding the quantity that works best.

Fingers crossed.

Friday April 6, 2012

A roller coaster ride

Ups and downs. My days feel like I am riding a roller coaster. Some days, I feel like I am sitting in the roller coaster car, moving up the steep slope, slowly, slowly. These are the days when I feel a-OK: I can do normal things, I can listen to someone talking to me, I can think and formulate a coherent reply.

Then we reach the top of the hill, and suddenly we fall down.

My guts turn upside down, I clench my teeth, my whole body tenses. I can’t really focus on anything, everything around me becomes blurry, I can’t breathe properly anymore, my heart is pounding, I want to scream.

Except that unlike the roller coaster ride - where your fall only lasts a few seconds then everything stops and becomes normal again - when I have a bad day, it is an entire day of free-falling. An entire day of feeling that my heart is in my mouth. I don’t know what is worse: the gut-wrenching feeling in itself, or the fact that it lasts a whole day. There is nothing I can do to shake it. It prevents me from focusing on anything, and makes me feel crappy and irritable, because I can’t think clearly.

This is how I felt yesterday, from the time I woke up till the time I went to bed. And it seems that I experience such days about once a week. If only I could predict when these are going to occur…

I don’t like theme park rides. I don’t like theme parks period.

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